Post 11. The omnibus edition....

Well I'm still here at NLF and the sun is still shining!

The heat/dust doesn't seem to agree with me here sadly, causing problems with asthma which resulted in another trip to hospital for steroid injections and lots of pills. I don't tend to have breathing difficulties at home except if I get a cold so it's only an occasional issue, but when it occurs it's quite bad. I acted quickly and sought treatment before it escalated, I had a bad time in Tenerife over the last New Year and spoilt the holiday for my dear friend Carol and I, mostly due to my stubbornness. I didn't want to call the Doctor, then I didn't want to go to hospital coz "I didn't want to make a fuss"  which is exactly what my refusal to cooperate created, a big fuss and a few days in hospital in Tenerife...

So I finally learnt that one and didn't waste too much time getting medical help... I'm very glad I was here in the community, it would of been horrible to of been on my own... They've been kind and supportive, but left me alone to rest and recover which is just what I needed.

I've had to temporarily stop walking in mornings, when my breathing seems at it's worse especially after a sleepiness night of coughing, no swimming or dancing. I also had a few days away from working meditation. I've read a lot and have to confess done a bit of wallowing, which is why I thought I'd give the blog a break for a few days to spare you the misery! The coaches preach about embracing your suffering, most un-British, although I do feel there's a fine line between wallowing and embracing!

When I asked if I could work and I simply said no.... I am proud I didn't feel guilty or tried to solider on playing my old favourite Martyr role... Progress at least! One of the gifts of the stay here has been to realise that I have my s##t together more than I thought and that despite the inevitable hiccups, God, the 12 step programme and faith in my own recovery is supporting me to keep in the moment... Actually a severe asthma attack is a great lesson in being in the moment, all you can focus on is the next breath!

One of the books I re-read this week was the Alchemist, a really lovely story/fable, author Paulo Coelho used the quote "the night is darkest closest to the Dawn...." I think that's very true, on reflection my life had become dark and had been for a long time, little by little, since that hospital stay in January, I've done a lot of healing work and managed to stumbled my way into the dawn, I see the light on the Horizon and it's full of promise....There are many priceless lessons to be learned from the hideous challenges the Universe (kindly) sends us, we can chose to ignore them but then they get sent again even louder! Therefore, when I come to this kind of climate again I will use a brown steroid preventative inhaler in addition to the blue reliever, simple..... It would sure save a lot of problems!

The last time I wrote, the Silent retreat had just started. They all stuck with it, although not everyone followed it strictly to the letter, but I have to take my hat of to them. 5 days no talking.... It was interesting before hand a lot of people who had experience doing them previously was dismissive "oh 5 days is nothing in a community, a real challenge would be 30 days in isolation..." It reminded me of the "helpful" comments a first time pregnant mum hears at antenatal classes, all the gory details of how awful giving birth can be or dismissive of their fears, neither are very helpful and can add to the anxiety... Once again egos abound.... However, my observation is an indication of my judgemental ego rearing it's head too... None of us are perfect, least of all me!

They finished at Friday lunchtime, no more noble silence during mealtime so it was noisy, raucous and had the feeling of last day at school, there was a real buzz about the place, a celebration, a real achievement for many... All had positive things to say about the deeply spiritual experience.... However, I'm still not convinced that I would get a lot out of it myself... My fear???

As I said earlier, the community have been supportive while I've been under the weather, sweet thoughtful gestures that I've really appreciated. Ruth, a dear lady from Israel asked if she could pray for my healing, it was very moving as she read the words in Hebrew from her Bible. At home she lectures in religion, my talks with her have been fascinating and enlightening.  She is a gentle soul and I feel blessed to have met her. Indeed, I have shared many amazing conversations with such a diverse range of people. All sharing the common goal of personal self development and making a contribution to the community. I am particularly in awe of the number of youngsters, guys and girls in their early 20s here volunteering and participating in the programme. How magnificent their lives will be to develop a deep awareness at such an early age!

I have finalised all my onward travel plans, so easy with a click and credit card! I'm leaving here 1st Nov four days early to give me a chance to see some more of the country. This time next week I will be on my way.. I know I will be fully recovered and stronger by then. I'm spending one night in Chaing Rai, it be good to stay for night market, we have to leave at 7.30pm when we visit because of the curfew. Then 3 hour bus to Haoyxai which is the border on Mekong, stay for 2 nights b&b in a brand new v posh hotel with Casino spa and all for £72 (which is wildly extravagant in these parts, but wouldn't get a Travelodge in Romford for one night at home!) nice and close for the "boutique boat". The cruise takes around 7 hours each day, we stop off a couple of times to see the Hill Side Tribe Village and some caves with a thousand images of Buddha, all with an English speaking guide which will make life easier.

There is a bar on board and they serve traditional Laos cuisine for luncheon in the restaurant. We stay in a riverside bungalow in Pakhag for night then onto final destination Luang Prebang for 6 nights which looks quite beautiful. I heard from Uli, the German woman I made friends with here, she arrived there a couple of days ago and said it's lovely, her boat trip was a bit of a challenge in the simple boat, so I'm glad I've "upgraded"

Am v excited and downloaded the lonely planet guide to Laos to make sure I get to do all the touristy things! One day I plan to do a cookery course which should be fun and hopefully an opportunity to meet some people... I think by next Saturday I will definitely be ready to move on from here. Time for me to spread my wings!

I made the decision to treat myself to a new camera, Mark one of the guys here has recommend one that's "idiot proof" and connects wirelessly to the iPad for ease of uploading photos, which is just as well because that phrase challenges my techno phobia or rather my interest in all kinds of geeky stuff.. I don't care how it works or why, I just want it too easily! So I'll be off the plaza on Tuesday with credit card to get the shiny piece of kit!

It's been a lazy Saturday here, a bit frustrating as I'm only able to watch as lots are floating in the pool... After cleaning the community fridge this morning, I did my washing, sitting waiting for the washing cycle to complete it reminded me of going to the launderette many many years ago for my Mum.

She mostly use to go to Ironmonger Row Baths (a wool and a white wash) as we lived in a tiny 3 roomed flat in a red brick tenement block, Guinness Buildings, that was the easiest way to get the family washing done, there was 7 of us at home. Mum use to give me the change for the machine and dryer and an extra 5p (shilling) which I could give to the lady to do a service wash or do the wash myself and keep the 5p which is what I usually did! The laundrette is still there in Kings Square. Despite many changes that still remains, as does George's Fish Bar, where we use to get chips from, although it's all expanded now and upmarket...

I got to thinking about being a kid and going to Kings Square Park the other day before I became unwell. They have set a swing up in a tree. To fulfil one of my goals, of being more childlike, after a swim I went and sat on the swing, it is in quite a secluded spot so I didn't feel too silly!

I must have spent hundreds of hours and visited dozens of parks over the years pushing my kids in the swings, but sitting on the swing here in the sunshine, still damp from the pool I remembered being a kid myself. Making the transition from Baby swing with the safety bars to big girls swing. There was a paddling pool at the park and we would have a splash and swing high letting the air dry us off... The memory was triggered by not being able to reach the ground here at NLF all I could do was gently rock from side to side just like my initial progression onto big girls swing 45 odd years earlier...My feet didn't properly reach the ground (always had little legs)... I sat there for some time, legs dangling, enjoying the carefree memories of childhood play  glad to embrace the innocent simple pleasure (not suffering!) There are many gaps in my memory of growing up and I felt really happy to of rediscovered that happy one...

Always a dreamer (and a meditator I guess, before I even know what that was!) I know I drove mum mad, especially when I was getting ready for school and I would just stop, one sock on and one sock off lost in thought! Now that ability to switch off is seen as a positive thing! Well here at least! Lol! I rather like this quote below....

"It's never too late to have a happy childhood
Your childhood is not defined by what you did or what
happened to you, it's the memories you choose to dwell on.
Banish ideas that darken your past and you will brighten your future."
Michael Josephson

Today I choose to focus on the ideas that will brighten my future.... Coz it's Bright.... Not Orange, maybe I'll cover all the bases and say it's rainbow coloured!

Hope you are all well and still getting something (?) from the waffle.

Lots of love xxx